I have been busy sorting stuff out for christmas, i am almost sorted, just got a few more things to wrap. I have also been doing my university course, i got 84% in my first tutor marked assignment, so im over the moon with it. Its not easy studying while coping with this sort of illness. I went to GP the other day for results of my blood test, they said that my red blood cells are much smaller than normal so i have to have those repeated on Monday, also there was somethig about my kidney but I can't remember what she said, i have to have kidney test in about 6 weeks or 6 months again i can't remember. She is also referring me to Rheumotology and has increased my pain killers, slightly. I have to go and see her weekly or something and discuss each individual symptom untill we get to the bottom of the list, with a phsyical examination she can include her findings in the letter. She told me that it's not always helpful to have this label and that it can have serious implications on your life, it has been 10 years now and I have still not had anything done. I mean it's just getting ridiculous isn't it. I have been feeling quite depressed as well over one thing and another, mainly the fact that there is no cure, that i can feel myself getting worse each day, as the winter is setting in. I feel that people don't understand, yes everyone is cold, but they don't understand that for me the cold is not just cold but so much more. they don't understand that no matter what time i go to bed i will still be awake at silly o'clock. Actually thats not true coz i don't have too mcuh of a problem going to sleep, its staying asleep. I went to to bed at about midnight last night was asleep by 1 and woke up 4 times with in 1 hour. By 5.30 i had had 25mins sleep (approx). People can't possibly function on these terms.

What a day. What a week. I went into town on Monday with Anouska. For the first time in 9 years. I walked 3.5miles and i was shattered when i got home. Last night I starting getting a few niggling pains, nothing unbareable, i went to bed about midnight and tossed and turned in agony for 3 hrs, I got up again and couldn't move, eventually went back to bed at 5am, then thought we were being burgled (it turned out to be the rabbit). After getting to sleep at about 5.50am it was almost time to get up again. I had a hospital appointment about my seizures. The dr said there was nothing they could do for me, even though i knew i still cried, ridiculous isn't it. She said it's important i go to all my appointments even though it's hard with my agoraphobia, she said I know its hard. How does she know its hard??! She has no idea. I told her about going into town on the bus yesterday and even that didn't seem to be enough. Then i went to B&Q to get a couple of xmas baubles coz i am going into a flare up and don't know when i'll be out again. I've come home and im even worse than last night and i didn't think that was possible, im physically and mentally exhausted and can't sleep coz of the pain. I am at the end of my tether and don't know how much more i can take of it. It's 2.25am and its just getting beyond a joke. I have to get up at 9am which isn't early I know, as some people are up at 5.30am but for me it's an ungodly hour. That if im honest i'd rather not see lol. I don't know what other fibro patients (i use the term patients loosly it's more like victims) think about when in pain but all i can think about it this illness and how much i hate it. Here's to the day they find a cure! ---------------- Now playing: R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts via FoxyTunes

This is going to be a short post as im in so much pain. My hand has been playing up, going stiff and numb and tingly, i keep dropping things and the pains are shooting up my arm and into my shoulder. Im in agony, i have spent 3 hours crying in pain. The bank have been stupid today and took my money (£74). I have been really stressed because of it and now im in agony. Can't move, its hurts my shoulder to breathe. I need to see the doctor again about this. I need some decent painkillers, this pain is killing me. I started my OU course on Saturday and im now concerned that i am going to fall behind as i can't type properly or hold the pen to write.

Mental Health

I have just watched my neighbour first trying to smash her window with a hammer, then after a while of silence, with the other neighbours laughing at her, calling her names, the police arrived. He didn't get an answer upon looking through her letterbox he saw her lying at the bottom of the stairs. After a while, an ambulance arrived, the police asked us if we knew her name. Which no one did. She was eventually taken away on a stretcher, suffering a broken leg and slit wrists. I feel so saddened by this, having suffered with my mental health for a few years. Seeing my mum also suffer from this horrible condition. To think that she feels so sad and feels the only way out is this, is awful. Having heard that a friend of mine's sister recently lost her life to mental health issues little over a week ago, it's all just so heartbreaking.

I am really sore today... Aching and in pain, I am going to do dinner and have and early night. I have been reading about the connection with Fibromyalgia and PNES (which is Psycho-genic non-eleptic seizures), I have been told i have this but im not 100% sure what it is. They are also known as functional seizures. According to Google there is a conection but not sure what it is or if there is any great significance in it.

Feeling Good

I have been feeling okay for a few weeks... I woke up yesterday in quite a bit of pain, but had to take my cousin for an ante natal check up so pulled myself together, by the end of the day my knees we creaking and aching. This morning my shoulders and elbows and sore. I think i will having another flare up soon. I hope not as my cousin's baby is due in just 10 days time, I would like to be well for this event. I have been focusing on a course i will be studying from home in October and for the foreseeable future. I am doing a BA Hons in Computer Software Design. I am waiting for an assement from Social Services in order to have a shower fitted, as I have trouble getting standing to get out the bath... I also often have seizures whilst in the bath.

Sorry I have not written recently. I have been in quarantine with swine flu for about 3 weeks. I'm still not well, although feel that alot of my swine flu symptoms are just FM now. I am trying to write a letter to my father explaining my condition as I feel bad having not seen him for 3 weeks. He doesn't know that I am ill at all so it will be a shock I think. I am also looking into doing a course in IT. When i have completed it I hope to do a BA Hons in Computing. So fingers crossed. I have pain all over at the moment. Have been feeling pain in my knuckles for a couple of days now. I don't usually have pain in my knuckles so its just something else to add my list isn't it!